It is in the nature of our order to question everything. Established in 1852, it is in the nature of the Grand Lock Advisory Council to answer everything. You’ve got questions, we have the authority to invent answers.

The senator my fellow Locks and I are paying off has suddenly decided to show the beginning signs of resistance. What’s our best bet to get him back in line (or do we just cut bait)?
Disgruntled in [REDACTED]

Ah, yes. Well, sadly, this is all part of the Circle of Life in the political sphere. You can pay a politician for as long as you like, but  at some point he or she will either face an angry constituency or start saying things like “not why I got into this” or “just have to” or “conscience.” You could raise your “donation levels” if you like, and eventually you’d find a number that would suit both your purposes, but that’s not how the system is supposed to work for us. (Plus, if your politician starts talking to their friends, you’ll raise the bar for every Lodge across the country!)

Another approach might be to switch your methods. Politicians are drawn to old money. If your senator rebukes your initial offer, try to sweeten the pot with Roman talents, Spanish doubloons, or Canadian beaver pelts.

But when all else fails, you’re left with no other option. If it’s near an election day, rig it. If it’s not, open your folder of blackmail material and launch your nuclear level piece. An example must be made to keep the others in line. Then find an “exciting” “newcomer” to the field, back that horse, and now you’re saving money, paying a Senator at the Junior Rate!

My wife and I are expecting our first daughter. We’d like to give her a name that currently isn’t approved by the [Lock Naming Board.] Is there anything we can do?
Nameless in [REDACTED]

We’re sorry that the Lock Naming Board doesn’t currently recognize your future daughter’s illegal name, but fear not, there are steps you can take!

1. Give her a name that has already been approved.
2. Wait until she is at least 8 years old.
3. Wait for the next Name Amnesty Day (the first one scheduled after her 8th birthday will be on June 21st, 2021.)
4. Propose your ideal name to the Lock Naming Board.
5. If they do not make an immediate ruling (i.e. they don’t reject it), wait for their ruling.
6. Assuming they accept it, wait until the following Name Amnesty Day (November 17, 2026) and have your daughter attend a Renaming Ceremony.
7. File forms NA-3 and 881e and LNB22-23xb and three copies of 222y9.
8. Apologize to your daughter for the confusion.

I know that Members of the Order are enthusiastic about the bullwhip and have brought the form into the Third Age of Bullwhip Performance, Demonstration and Defense, but I’ve secretly always preferred the snake whip with its braided-in cracker. Is there not room at the table for both?
Whipped in [REDACTED]

There absolutely is not. The bullwhip is the only whip to be used by Members of the Order, and the only whip recognized. This is simply the way it has always been. (And why would you want a non-removable cracker? How else are you going to do your Night Whip Practice if you’re making all that noise?)

Just because the submissions to the Advisory Council look anonymous when we publish them, they very much are not. A member of the Punishment Council has been dispatched to your location. Do not attempt to whip them (even with your heathenous snake whip) lest your punishment be all the more severe. (Either way, it’ll probably involve them whipping you.)

Have a question for the Advisory Council? Make sure it’s a worthy one! Just emailadvice@thegrandlock.com, then signal twice at dawn with your lapel pin or amulet.

From Volume 871 Issue 25 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!