by Cub Reporter Locksmith M. Hoshport (88832)

In an effort to curry favor with our many Members of the Order, the Candidates for Leadership have taken to the trail. From time to time, we will check in with our six Candidates as they travel across the globe from Lodge to Lodge.

May 16 – Lodge 175 – Branson, MO
Tumbler A. Dorsey met supporters for a meet and greet at the Branson Rib Crib on Tuesday night. Locks and Keys came out in large numbers to dine with the reclusive Dorsey–an enigmatic candidate who by all evidence has never appeared in even a single photograph. Attendees describe the event as “hugely successful” with supporters rallying around the cry of “Dorsey! Dorsey!” way past the Rib Crib’s final call and spilling into nearby Ruthie’s Bar and Grill for karaoke and late night revelry. Dorsey’s polling saw a huge spike following the event despite conflicting claims from attendees that Dorsey is a “sharp little guy,” a “physically imposing man-giant standing over 7’ in height,” and a “a real sweet gal who can really crush No Doubt’s ‘Spiderwebs.’” It’s unclear if anyone was sure who Dorsey was or whether Dorsey was even there at all. What’s clear is that Dorseymania has seized the Ozarks and isn’t likely to let up in the foreseeable weeks.

May 14 – Lodge 991 – Los Angeles, CA
Leadership candidate and noted firebrand Key G. Pepys suffered a campaign blow after some controversial remarks at Lodge 991’s “Greek Night” mixer this week. Pepys has dodged accusations of racism in the past but left no question to his unfortunate racial predilections after being invited on stage for the honorary toast by local lodge leader Key E. Kazantzakis. Allegedly, Pepys peered at the face of his gracious host, scowled, and declared, “I won’t clink the glass with a man who STINKS of Peloponnesia!” After a hasty exit amidst lodge jeers, Pepys clarified his controversial stance to reporters in the parking lot. “I don’t recognize the Dorian Aggression of 15th c. BC. As far as I’m concerned, that ain’t true Greek. Those Peloponnesian crum bums ruined Mycenea for everyone.” Both the methods for identifying Key Kazantzakis’ ancient ancestral origins and whether Pepys has any other extremely specific racial biases both remain unanswered.

May 20 – Lodge 2008 – Marseilles, France
Controversy struck again this week for Leadership candidate and celebrity soda heiress Esmeralda Fresca. On Friday afternoon, tabloid journalists snapped candid photographs along the Plage de la Pointe Rouge of what appears to be Ms. Fresca sharing a drink with ponytailed Mexican fizzy beverage magnate (and notable Guardian of the Orb), Francisco Jarrito. Eyewitnesses claim that Jarrito ordered “a Squirt and two straws.” Fresca’s staunchest critics raised alarm that this may be either evidence of collusion with a rival lodge or Fresca “selling out” the brand for a play at the elusive bodega market. When questioned about this tête-à-tête, the 62-year young soda heiress rolled her eyes and sighed, “Oh please…it’s only a pleasure thing.” This weekly newsletter will continue to track the story as it progresses.

From Volume 871 Issue 27 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!