by Cub Reporter Locksmith M. Hoshport (88832)

In an effort to curry favor with our many Members of the Order, the Candidates for Leadership have taken to the trail. From time to time, we will check in with our six Candidates as they travel across the globe from Lodge to Lodge.
Lodge 30 – Manhattan, NY

Locksmith K. Delacroix saw a bump in polls despite harsh criticisms from Spangles, the dog candidate for Leadership, who, in spite of everything, we’re somehow still taking seriously. Spangles’ handler, M. Reyes publicly denounced Delacroix at a NYC Grand Lock Luncheon stating, quite correctly, that it’s a violation of election bylaws to offer cash in exchange for leadership votes. Delacroix has quite flagrantly bucked this rule for months, offering “big piles of the green stuff” to anyone who pledged a vote. However, in a surprising reveal Wednesday night, Delacroix revealed that the bylaw refers quite specifically to “legal tender” and that Delacroix had actually been referring to a new form of currency unrecognized by any governing federal body that he himself has been secretly coining. “Delacroix dollars” or “croykies” as they’ve been colloquially named have been pledged to anyone who votes Delacroix (though the amount is still undisclosed). In a show of confidence for this new monetary unit, Delacroix led a crowd of followers to the Lester Glenn Buick & GMC where he purchased a 2017 Buick Lucerne for 140,500 croykies (paid in cash). Money may not buy happiness but it sure buys a nice car; we’ll continue to track this story as it unfolds.

 

Lodge 841 – Sydney, Australia

Leadership candidate and Grand Lock firebrand Esmeralda Fresca is back in the tabloids again–this time thanks to her absence at a high profile High Key soiree in the Sydney Australia Grand Lock ballroom. Fresca, not been polling well in the Australia/NZ territories,  was scheduled to lead a champagne toast and woo some important votes to her side. While her whereabouts were still unknown, a jet ski registered in her name was discovered abandoned the next morning in the Palazzo Versace swimming pool. When asked for comment, Fresca briefly replied with “You’re only 62 once!” While poll numbers still place her in the lead, her critics are quick to suggest that she may not be taking this election seriously.
Lodge 211 – Orlando, FL

This newsletter has written at length about the growing popularity and ever deepening mystery of the most enigmatic candidate, A. Dorsey. The camera shy contender has managed to elude both camera and comment at every public appearance while simultaneously building a vocal and fervent fanbase. An email from his (her?) campaign manager last week brought hope as this cub reporter was promised an exclusive interview with Dorsey before his campaign speech at the Court of Flags Carnival in Orlando, Florida on August 19th. I accepted, quite thrilled at the opportunity. When asked how I would recognize the candidate, I was told that I should wear my Grand Lock ceremonial robe and that Dorsey would do the same. I arrived precisely at 1pm at our designated meeting spot–the famed “Mystery Fun House”–but when I didn’t see Dorsey at the entrance, I ventured inside. I’ll admit that the peach schnapps I’d had to calm my nerves seemed to have gotten the best of me for within minutes, I was lost in a terrible maze of mirrors and smoke. While some passages showed me an honest mirror reflection of myself, others revealed frightening distortions–some skinny and tall, some squat and stout. Could it be possible that one of these “reflections” was in fact Dorsey? Heedlessly, I decided to proceed with my interview. “What’s your stance on the Nicaraguan shrimping industry unionization?” I screamed. “Do you see the Guardians of the Orb as a friendly rivalry or as villains to be crushed?” I was answered only with the sound of an electric organ intoning “the Camptown Ladies” and the sounds of children’s laughter. Was this another of Dorsey’s coded messages?

At the interview’s conclusion I charged forth, hand outstretched, to thank Dorsey for his time with a hearty handshake but somehow misjudged the cloaked figure before me and crashed through a glass window, awaking two days later in the trauma wing of East Orlando Hospital with a severe concussion and 124 stitches across my face and chest. I remained in the hospital another two nights while the doctor kept an eye on some potential internal bleeding (and I want to give a big “thank you!” to the excellent nursing staff at East Orlando. You guys are the best!). When I was finally discharged, the charge nurse said my hospital bill had already been settled. “That’s strange,” I thought.

That’s when I put my hands into my jeans pocket (I had been wearing just a hospital gown for several days) and felt a curious wooden square that I didn’t remember putting there. My vision was still a bit blurry from the head trauma but squinting under the cold electric hallway lighting I managed to identify it–a Scrabble tile…the letter “D”. Had Dorsey been there? And was this an apology…or a threat? Many questions about this candidate remain unanswered but this newsletter will continue to dig deep and ask the tough questions as we track this election.

From Volume 871 Issue 42 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!