By Pick P. Grenadine (09441)

In this week’s installment of The Locksmith Newsletter we offer the opinion of a member of our editorial board. Their views do not necessarily reflect those of the newsletter as a whole, especially when the Reactive Consequence Committee demands retribution.

Did Santa Claus visit your house when you were growing up? Did you receive chocolates left by the Easter Bunny? How about Rudiger, the Tooth Obsessive? If these three characters made annual visits to your childhood as they did mine, then I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that you can clearly remember the day you learned that they never existed (or in Rudiger’s case that he did exist, but his tooth collecting had been murdered by the Victorian-era police).

The point is: sometimes ignorance is bliss, but once it’s gone there’s no going back. Lately, there’s been discussion that the Grand Locks should remove the veil and leak the truth about iodized salt to the non-Locks. Well if you ask me, doing so could result in hysteria and confusion among the general populous the likes that we’ve never seen before.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I recognize the need for The Order’s relationship with The Uninitiated to evolve. Think about all the calories saved by sharing our knowledge of Diet Coke with the world. Imagine if Barron G. Carver had never shared peanut butter with them. We wouldn’t have apple butter! One hand washes the other, and even if they don’t know we exist, with our knowledge, The Non-Locks can do great things with our knowledge.

But, please, Locks: not iodized salt!

The true, dark nature of iodized salt probably doesn’t shock you anymore. You’ve known about it forever. If you were born into The Order, you’ve never known any other way. But imagine being thrown into the deep end. Could you take it in and still keep your sanity? I just don’t know.

Iodized salt!

But let’s look at the larger picture and ask ourselves, “where do we draw the line?” We tell people the truth about iodized salt, do we then tell them about the long history of Shadow Presidents? And then about why Doritos are so addictive? And then how the JFK and Biggie Smalls assassinations are connected? What will separate The Uninitiated and The Initiated, and more importantly: who will protect them from Ultimate Knowledge?

Keep. The salt. Secret.

From Volume 871 Issue 43 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!