After months of campaigning and weeks of general electoral chaos, the Grand Lock has new leadership and its a dog named Spangles. As Spangles’ campaign office has repeatedly pointed out, there’s no rule that says a dog can’t be leadership. Locksmith M. Reyes, Spangles’ handler and self-appointed “Speaker of the Dog” appeared on stage with Spangles at the Washington DC Grand Temple to make his acceptance speech. Spangles appeared disoriented by the stage lighting and after spinning around in circles for some time, trotted off to the green room to chew on a loafer. The origin of this loafer is as of yet unknown.

Opponents of Spangles have made their voices loud and clear in dissenting the choice of a canine as leader of men. Additionally, critics have accused M. Reyes of dangling a dog candidate to distract the media from his own leadership ambitions. Admittedly, this newsletter failed to vet Reyes thoroughly in the road to the election but we’ve met him two times and he seems nice.

Say what you will about the election, but you have to admit that’s it’s definitely done now. Yes Spangles was (at best) the candidate with the third most votes; yes there are rumors of an explosion at the vote-marble counting facility potentially invalidating the electoral process completely; yes the Guardians of the Orb have been making fun of us incessantly about the whole “dog thing.” The process has spoken and lo it has chosen a 6-year old shepherd-mix named Spangles.

All hail Spangles–long may he reign.

From Volume 872 Issue 1 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!