It is in the nature of our order to question everything. Established in 1852, it is in the nature of the Grand Lock Advisory Council to answer everything. You’ve got questions, we have the authority to invent answers.

The secret bathroom at my work for Locks only was full, so I deigned to enter the normal non-Lock W.C. To my surprise, I found that it was identical to the Lock facilities. I was under the impression that we were at least getting a high quality T.P.! What should I do?

PO’ed in [REDACTED]

A workplace that doesn’t recognize your contributions to society as a Grand Lock doesn’t deserve your respect. Assuming your boss has a private washroom, use that. Explain that until you and your Locks are shown the proper level or respect and a bowl of mints on the sink counter, this is how it’s going to be.

If this doesn’t work, burn it to the ground.™ 
My husband’s family insists that I need to bring the salad to the Grand Lock potlucks. I know I’m not the best cook, but I am a good one. I want to mash a potato with the rest of ‘em!

Spud Spurned in [REDACTED]

Grand Lock gatherings are tater heavy every time. And I know you want the Advisory Council to tell you to break out on your own and get your potato on, but that’s not going to happen.

It’s about balance. If you’re the only one brining salad, you’re just as, if not more important than another potato dish. Next time, ask someone in your husband’s family to trade. That way, there’s still a salad involved and you’ll get to spread your tubery wings.

If they insist that you’re still on salad duty, you know what to do, say it with me: burn that potluck to the ground.™

My granddaughter has run away twice in the last year to live with her boyfriend. I know my son is a strict father and she lost her mother a few years back, but I worry for her. She’s eighteen and she can make her own choices, but I still stay up at night worrying about her. What should I do?

Nana Nightsweats in [REDACTED]

Whoah. This is pretty heavy. Generally, we handle questions of etiquette and Order traditions. Also, there’s more than a good chance that in a previous column [870.15] we told your granddaughter she should burn her family to the ground. This might be on us.

Gosh. After reading your letter, it’s clear that there are two sides to every coin. I guess a scorched earth policy may not solve every problem. How about this: send her a message online. Surely she’s on Facebook or Instagram. See what happens. If she’s ready to talk, she’ll get back in touch. And if she is, bring a gift! Not sure what to bring? Flowers or wine are the traditional go-to’s. (You said “18.” Don’t bring wine. Flowers. Go with the flowers.)

There’s no question that if you follow these simple steps, you’ll quickly burn the anonymity between you and your daughter to the ground.™

Have a question for the Advisory Council? Make sure it’s a worthy one! Just email advice@thegrandlock.com, then signal twice at dawn with your lapel pin or amulet.

From Volume 872 Issue 8 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!