By Tumbler B. Chesney

[LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Tumbler Chesney is the oldest living member of the Grand Lock and a lifelong vitamin enthusiast–though not necessarily a certified medical professional. We present this column as an invitation to a journey of wellness, not as medical advice.]

Immortality is at hand. We mortals plod through a spiritual and nutritional gloaming, relying on serendipity to grant us another day, another hour on Island Earth. We are blind babes to the world around us; yet day by day, we the chosen, the ORDER OF THE GRAND LOCK gradually awaken to to the path of true spirituality–the path of VITAMINS AND MINERALS. Come and and suckle upon the teet of wisdom, my children!

How I hate food! I’ve written at length about the great cosmic farce of the mammalian digestive system. We toil endlessly to coax precious calories from an inhospital planet, break our backs over omnipresent medieval torture apparati like “stove” and “chef’s knife.” All for what? A performance of Puccini at Flushing Town Hall and we’re back to square one. But lo do I play the game for it’s the only game in town. Recently I tried out a new food item from a restaurant business–a “Bacon Swiss ‘Thick-burger’” from “Hardees.” Frankly, I found it “hardlee” worth the effort. They call the meatted patty “black angus” but I think the inclusion of the letter ‘g’ is rather generous. No thanks!

The whole conceit of “eating” strikes me as reminiscent of Hoover’s “trickle down” economics, further popularized by more recent up and coming politicos as well. The most well fed parts get the good stuff (stomach, liver, intestines) while the just and worthy working class SKELETON chokes on the run-off of the prosperous. As I scarbled my “Thickburger” in that day-glo neon Hardees hell, it occurred to me that perhaps skeletal neglect may be barring us from immortality’s gate. We must find a way to give back to that bony ally within us–and what better way than through the skeleton’s ambassador to earth–the teeth! 

The teeth are the skeleton’s way of reaching out and saying hello–a beautiful handshake consummated within the mouth of every boy and girl. If we could inject energy directly into the skeleton (via teeth), we could perhaps finally bypass the hapless hurdy-gurdy of food and eating. There are many sources of energy but I decided to begin with the most primordial–electricity. My first experiments in skeletal reinvigoration involved cramming a handful of 9-volt batteries into my nephew Christopher’s CPAP machine and taking a nap. The thought was that an electrified condensed-mist could enter my mouth as I sleep and charge my pearly whites with youth-giving micro-zaps. It didn’t work at all and my nephew insists I owe him $850. 

Energy of course takes many forms; my second experiments involved the power of sound waves. For one week, I slept with the earbuds cable from Christopher’s iPhones wedged into the gap by my lower left molar. I could feel its effects almost immediately, a wonderful youthful buzz filled my mouth throughout the night although I must attest that the build quality of iPhones’ product seems woefully inadequate; the speaker stopped working within 6 days. I shall be asking nephew Christopher to demand a refund!

I next plan to sleep with a mouthful of magnetic “Bucky Balls”; I fully expect their magnetic energy to permeate my teeth and bring the gay step of a flamenco dancer to these aging bones. Though it’s yet untested, I feel this will certainly end in success and can see no danger whatsoever to my plan. Of course, beyond these mountain lie more mountains for energy takes many forms and I plan on sampling them all–chemical, radiant, solar, tectonics, orgone, oceagraphic, night life, narcotic, et cetera, et cetera, and so forth. 

Readers, I invite you to join me in this journey of wellness. Be in good health and always respect your skeleton.

From Volume 872 Issue 26 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!