Appraisal Parade Season 3 Premiere
Money! History! Sustained still shots over silence! Last night’s season premiere of Appraisal Parade had everything that viewers of the show could possibly ask for, and so much more!

As I’ve stated in each installment of “The Recapables,” I despise television, but love recapping things. And since my book recaps were categorized as both “just summaries” and “too long for print”, I thank my lucky stars for Grand Lock-subsidized public television! It’s still mindless drivel from the boob tube, but at least it is mildly less awful than the other channels on the dial!

For those of you who have never seen the show, the premise is pretty simple: Members of The Order bring in the artifacts that are cluttering their basements and bring them to a set of people who, despite the fact that they never offer any credentials, are experts in the world of antiques. Then after building up a disgusting amount of tension, they tell the owner of the object how much money they think someone might possibly pay for that thing, under the right circumstances. For the longest time, this show could only be seen on the British Lock Broadcasting Channel (or the “Bleeb” as it’s often called), but has recently sprung up on American shores with the same premise, but with a faster pace and slightly more violence.

Last night’s episode saw the Parade visit Atlanta, Georgia. As always, we have to take our host’s word for that, since the majority of every episode seems to take place in the same windowless convention center, with the same collection of elderly lookie-loos milling about in the background. There were, as always, a few interstitial segments in which a local historian takes the host to some of Atlanta’s most important locations, but segments such as those are why the good lord invented DVR!

Several artifacts were placed in front of Appraisal Parade’s team of experts, but easily the most memorable from last evening’s cavalcade was what one elderly woman called a “Grand Lock medal.” After the standard inquisitions from the appraiser (“where did you get this?” “how much did you pay?” “you promise it’s not stolen?” Etc.), the white mustached man revealed that this was actually a Grand Lock signal amulet. Though the amulet had lost its original chain, before the switch to the more subtle lapel pins, this object was used throughout The Order to help identify fellow members. The inscription on the back, however, was the most significant development as the initials “SPSCS” identified this piece as having once belonged to Shadow President Samuel Cotesworth Spaight. Sensing what this would mean for the piece’s value, the elderly woman was flabbergasted at this news. Or at the very least, she was coached to seem this way.

Then came the twist. While I am quite proud of my recapping abilities, I want you to experience this the same way the viewers at home did, so I shall switch over to the transcript.

APPRAISER:
…So those initials there make a big difference on the value of this amulet.

GUEST:
Great.

APPRAISER:
The question: what’s the value? Would you like to take a guess?

GUEST:
Oh, I- I don’t know where to even start! [LAUGHS]

APPRAISER:
If this were to come up at auction, I would expect it to sell for between $20,000 and $30,000.

GUEST:
Wow. Wow. [LAUGHS] I had no idea!

APPRAISER:
Of course, it would never come up at auction, would it? We both know that.

GUEST:
I’m afraid I don’t know…

APPRAISER:
Of course you do. This would never come up at auction because it was stolen, Mariel. Isn’t that right?

GUEST:
I bought this at a yard sale. I told you. Five dollars, talked down from ten.

APPRAISER:
No, Mariel. No, you didn’t.

GUEST:
I don’t need to listen- I’m going to take my amulet off the velvet display holder and leave, sir!

APPRAISER:
If only it were that simple. [HE SIGNALS OFF SCREEN] You’re going to jail, Mariel. Or should I say: The Silver Bandit! [OLD WOMAN IS FLANKED BY “APPRAISAL PARADE” GUARDS]

GUEST:
[SCREECHING]

APPRAISER:
So sad. [SUBTLY POCKETS AMULET]


And then the little treasure box slid across the bottom third of the screen and read as follows:

There were a number of non-larceny objects on the show as well, including a crew jacket from the actual moon landing, a button for the now-disgraced Leadership Candidate Key G. Pepys’ failed/successful campaign, and a mint condition set of Fiestaware.

STRAY OBSERVATIONS

• Is Appraisal Parade experimenting with a season arc with the appearance and disappearance of this Spaight amulet?
• What other items has the Silver Bandit stolen?
• Was Atlanta actually the site of the first Coca-Cola bottling plant?

From Volume 872 Issue 31 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!