By Key F. Huber, Secretary of Transportation

This modern world is a fanged beast that devours the rights of the sovereign. Aye, the Grand Lock holds the whips and keeps the beast at bay but the beast must be fed. Every day we lose our freedoms, our sovereignty. Every day, freedom dies screaming in the darkness. Well I say NO. I stand opposed to the erosion of liberty. I scream unto the night that I will not go quietly! As Grand Lock Secretary of Transportation, I can pledge myself to protecting one particular indelible right of the people, a privilege exercised by every automobile driver in the world: the right of way.

When it’s your turn to turn, turn. Don’t sit there. Don’t wave for the other car to turn. It’s your turn. This is the right of way; it’s a freedom promised by state document and sacred texts handed from on high. It is a rule carved into the very molecular structure of the four-way stop. And yet–there are those who would voluntarily throw these freedoms in a trash can. Our studies have shown a disturbing trend: since 2013, left-turns at American four-way stops have taken an average of .03 seconds longer each year. That’s almost a “sippy” from a “one Mississippi.” And this increase is just since 2013 when our department started collecting this data. Completely unacceptable.

My years with the Committee of Preemptive Consequences taught me to ask the tough questions and I’ve been asking them. I’m out there everyday–chasing after cars. Screaming at intersections. “What’s taking you so long!” “Why is everyone waving at each other?!” And I still don’t have any answers. The nanna of a little boy at my son’s preschool waved three cars ahead of her before making her left. Why? Why would anyonedo this? I followed her to Kroger’s and screamed these questions at her in the parking lot. She wouldn’t answer–presumably she was too petrified of her own cowardice.

Order of the Grand Lock, as your Secretary of Transportation, I urge you: do not hesitate. Do not make eye contact. Do not smile. Are you the first one to get to the intersection? Drive. Are you to the right of another car? It’s your turn; drive. There may be collisions. There may be property damage. Persevere. Power is claimed by those with the will to take it.

And another thing: our Department has charted that rollerblade sales are up this year. This is good. Rollerblades are a fun way to get around and a great way to get some exercise. Everyone should rollerblade more. I don’t see very many skating rinks open anymore and that’s a real shame. A skating rink is a fun social gathering spot and I think probably underrated. It’s the recommendation of this Department of Transportation that some new skating rinks should open up and encourage further rollerblade purchases. There should also be some youth league roller-hockey in schools. Maybe they already have that in Canada; I’m not sure. I’ve never seen it. I think it would be a great idea though.

From Volume 872 Issue 37 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!