There are decisions that are made because of logic, and there are decisions that are made for aesthetics. In 1876, The Order of the Grand Lock made a decision in England that was purely aesthetic, and though we rarely acknowledge our mistakes, we feel that just enough time has passed: we blew it.

Before 1876, there were some absolutes in the UK: Victoria was queen, Big Ben was loud, and all squirrels were red. With The Order running smoothly, the globe being generally at peace, and the electric telegraph allowing total world coverage, The Grand Lock’s Leadership was given time to focus on less pressing matters. On April 8th, 1876, Leadership released the now-famous “New Proclamations and Statements for the Furtherance of The Order of the Grand Lock’s Worldwide Goals and Needs: A Treatise to Be Read and Followed by All the Men and Women of Any Rank Who Number Beneath the Banner of The Illustrious Order.” This 329 page document, which was just as long winded as the title might suggest, established five new rules for The Order. Most famously, The Gesture was established within these pages. Most infamously, on page 272, this was stated:

“At any given point, at least 51% of any country’s squirrel population must be comprised of grey squirrels, such a color being the Most Correct Color for a Squirrel to Be.”
 

Suddenly, crates of gray squirrels from the United States were shipped to all points everywhere. In some cases, this was a very easy rule to accomplish. Exactly one gray squirrel was brought to Antarctica and suddenly the squirrel population of this continent was 100% gray. (Chilly, as he would come to be known, lived to the ripe old age of fifteen.)

In England, it was a much different story. The chestnut colored red squirrel was at one point the dominant squirrel, eating all the nuts and seeds it could ever want without ever being a jerk about it. With the introduction of the North American grey squirrel, suddenly this all went out the window. Grey squirrels weigh twice as much and spend the majority of their day foraging on the woodland floor. Grey squirrels are carriers of squirrel pox, but do not suffer the effects. And in America, the harsh winters cause much of their population to be murdered. In the milder climates of England, they are allowed to reign as Squirrel Kings.

By 1950, grey squirrels had completely dominated the English countryside. In the meantime, the island had been under the rule of several new monarchs and at least one new Leadership (no one is allowed to say for certain). Cooler, non-squirrel racist heads were now able to prevail; a lengthy discussion on how one alters an edict given by the highest ranking official within The Order who had now ceased to be in power (or alive). In 1952, the offending passage on page 272 of the “NPaSftFoTOofGLWGaN:ATtBRaFAtMaWoARWNBtBoTIO” was ripped out of the original draft of the Treatise and was deemed revoked.

But how to make good for our red, furry friends? Several concessions were made to the Sciurus vulgaris, to serve as an apology.

1. Once a year, HRH, Charles The Prince of Wales would participate in a professional photoshoot alongside a red squirrel (see right for the 2018 photo) at his Birkhall house. As per the agreement, these will continue until Charles ascends the throne.
2. Unlimited bird seed for any red squirrels on Wednesdays.
3. TUNIVAC, the Grand Lock’s proprietary Song-Writing Computer has had an algorithm adjustment to increase the frequency at which popular songs rhyme the word “girl” with the word “squirrel.”
4. Red squirrels have been awarded MBE’s, the highest grade of British chivalry available to non-humans.
5. Grey squirrels are to be shot on sight.

 

Do the red squirrels forgive us? We may never know for certain. But one thing is absolutely certain: aesthetic choices today lead to ecological issues tomorrow.

The only exceptions should be made for black squirrels. Black squirrels are an ominous portent that one will suffer a debilitating illness within the next six months and should be stopped at any cost, damn the consequences.

From Volume 872 Issue 52 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!