By Lock Dr. H. Monneghan

It goes without saying that the Order of the Grand Lock is the most successful and far-reaching organization in the history of the modern world. The policies and procedures set down by our order have shaped the very DNA of western civilization–its culture, its economies, and now–its free will. That’s where you come in. Do you have an idea about how to manipulate the minds of modern man burning deep inside? Take our readers poll below to let it out!

But first some background: When I came on board this October as the Grand Lock Director of Cognitive Sciences, I inherited a state of the art lab facility in central Oregon and several decades of poor decision making. My predecessors had made incredible breakthroughs in the field of subliminal hypnotic suggestion and yet had almost nothing to show for it. One of its first successes came in the form of a now-fabled arcade game “Polybius” in the early 1980s. This coin operated “clown chasing fruit” simulation (let’s be honest–it’s a “Mr. Do!” clone), was programmed with carefully crafted flashing light sequences and sound effects that induced a highly suggestible state in its users. Though this arcade cabinet was tactically deployed to select convenience stores in Portland, Oregon for only 2 weeks, it managed to collect incredible data from its slaves (retroactively retitled as “involuntary volunteers”).

Unfortunately, the lab never published this research and never reprogrammed the machine’s hypnotic suggestion to anything except “keep playing Polybius.” The researchers continued to refine their methods until finally, they were able to generate a single image so powerful that merely seeing it would provoke a powerful state of suggestibility within the subconscious of its victims. They called this image “karaoke bug” and placed it in karaoke bars nationwide. A crude artist’s rendering is provided below since seeing the original image would be extremely dangerous (even still–viewer discretion is advised).

 

The power of karaoke bug cannot be understated. This is an atom bomb of an image that the Grand Lock dropped on the entire world.  However, history repeated itself as the badly mismanaged lab never published their findings and never changed the default suggestion programmed within karaoke bug (enjoy singing karaoke).

When I joined the lab, I marvelled at the untapped power of karaoke bug and its (lesser successful cousins: the NBA kiss cam, the YMCA dance, and the gas that we pipe into the country that makes people say “horses!” when they see horses). Under my guidance, we’re no longer going to do nothing with this technology. We’re going to do something!

Unfortunately, we can’t think of anything. That’s where you come in. We know you have a great idea about how the Grand Lock should be dominating the mind of the average civilian. Fill out the reader’s poll, and make your dreams of domination into a reality!

From Volume 873 Issue 6 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!