Whether it be on July 4th or the 6th, everyone loves fireworks. However, it is only those within the ranks of the Order of the Grand Lock who truly understand them. Here is a guide to the true meanings of this year’s crop of fireworks.

Description: Starburst

Color(s): R/W/Bl

True Meaning: While often seen as a patriotic flag celebrating the birth of America, Grand Locks know the truth: this firework is in celebration of the Cook Islands, whose flagalso prominently features the colors of red, white, and blue. The Cook Islands are an independent entity and are frequently used as a “shelter” for our “funds.” (Wait. No quotation marks needed on funds. That’s literally what they are.)

 

Description: Starburst

Color(s): R/O

True Meaning: Fireworks, though perfected in trashy roadside truck stops in the U.S. states, were invented in Ancient China. Chinese legend tells of the fiery blood of a great “vermillion bird”–honored by the traditional red/orange starburst. This legend is incorrect. R/O starburst actually honors an ancient Chinese prop comic who would smash oranges and fermented bean curd and look…long story short, this guy was hilarious and you’ll just have to trust us on that.

 

Description: Cowboy Hat

Color(s): Any

True Meaning: If you see this firework this means that you are at a Garth Brooks concert. It is possible he is already mid-set, or wherever you are, buckle up, for it is about to become a Garth Brooks concert.

 

Description: Heart

Color(s): P/R

True Meaning: If you see this firework, immediately call Grand Lock 9-1-1. The pyrotechnics expert is attempting to signal that he or she is having a heart attack using the language they are most comfortable with: gunpowder. This exploding heart might seem romantic, but do not be fooled.

 

Description: Shockwave

Color(s): W/R

True Meaning: The fireworks display you were watching was being put on by a member of The Guardians of the Orb. They have been overpowered and destroyed, their demise cleverly hidden in the form of a firework “grand finale.”

 Or you’re watching a Star Wars film.

Description: Animated GIF

Color(s): Any

True Meaning: You are receiving an obnoxious marketing email attempting a cheap cash-in playing on your patriotism. Delete it.

 

From Volume 871 Issue 33 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!