Aloha, If you’ve watched any of the Grand Lock-operated news outlets that you already know that this is the email you’ve been waiting for. You’ve read the excerpts, you’ve heard the hype: now at last you get to read the full, terrifying story of one reporter who has infiltrated the villainous Guardians of the Orb. […]

Aloha, Locks: in fewer than ten days, The Order designated Day for Demonstration of Affection (February 14th) will arrive. In an effort to make it easier for you to display your affection visually, we have created four “love cards,” or “Valentines” as they are commonly known, to distribute to those that you feel Love for. […]

Salaam, As a whole within The Order, we believe safety is paramount. Whether you’re mounting up for Horse Day, waiting outside in the sun all day for The Great Alphabetizing, or skipping instead of walking all day for a Grand sponsored charity skip-a-thon, we want you to be safe. In this spirit, the head of […]

An Announcement Concerning The Feast of the Great Bird’s Reemergence (for All Locks) By High Key (No.00103) Last last year, when The Order of the Grand Lock acquired the Canadian secret society, The Venerable Brotherhood of the All-Seeing Loon, into our ranks, we wanted to ensure that the transition of our Canadian members would be a smooth […]

Zdravstvuyte, We hope you had a lovely Actual New Years last weekend and that your hangovers have mostly subsided. Let no one say that we Locks don’t know how to celebrate with the best of ’em. And the recently annexed Loons are no slouches either! I have no doubt that 2019 is going to be […]

Locks! It’s the very last Locksmith Newsletter before the clock strikes 12 on January 13th, Actual New Years. As always, take this time to consider what you’ve learned, the goals for which you’ve yearned, and those around you who deserve to be spurned in the coming year. To fill the meaningless days of this year and […]

Hello, I know that I don’t need to tell you this, but as a reminder: if you celebrated the coming of the new year last night, you were wrong to do so. If you slipped up and did celebrate, please drink one coffee/caffeine based beverage for every alcoholic beverage that you enjoyed. Take solace in […]

From Volume 873 Issue 3 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!

Hello Locks, When next we speak, the holiday season will be firmly upon us, so let me take this opportunity to say: Happy Whatever You Celebrate, and if you need to buy presents, you should probably get that done in the immediate future. In this time of Good Will and So Forth, let us remember […]

Fellow Locks: As we grow closer and closer to Actual New Years in mid-January, a lot of you may be looking to make a Resolution of some kind. Some of you may wish to turn over a new leaf or try something new. If bird ownership is in the cards for you, then we suggest […]