From Volume 871 Issue 50 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!
From Volume 871 Issue 50 – Subscribe here, members, to be the first to get the next newsletter!
Hello Locks, A very happy and moderately spooky All Halowe’en to all of you. Enjoy dressing up in costume in the adults’ unending quest to steal the holiday away from children. As you are no doubt aware, this is the final week before The Leadership Campaign Coverage officially becomes The Leadership Campaign Election Coverage. We are now only a […]
by The Locksmith Newsletter Staff When it comes to activities for the end of October, there’s nothing we love more than guising ourselves in unusual garb. Should you be stuck for ideas, we have compiled this brief compendium of concepts that you may adapt for your own All Hallowe’en costumes! Enjoy your tricking and/or treating! […]
Hello Locks! When next we speak, it will be All Hallowe’en. Read below and you’ll find yourself fully prepared for the apparel element of the holiday, but we also have a handful of miscellaneous tips to ensure you’re fully prepared. Make sure you have enough Zagnuts: the prefered candy of The Order of the Grand […]
Like ceremonial robe fashions, the latest trends within The Order of the Grand Lock are constantly shifting. To keep you abreast of what’s in and what’s out in the world of bird ownership, welcome Celebrity Ornithologist (Domesticated), Tumbler L. Brecknock! ‘Allo, ‘allo, my dear Locks! Whether you’re a first time bird employer (we neveruse the word […]
Good afternoon or evening to you, Locks. Thanks to an outstanding season of donations, revenue, and Fortune 500 company-ownership, The Order of the Grand Lock is experiencing an unprecedented surplus in liquid assets. In an effort to grow this money we have purchased a significant portion of Chinese debt, Belgian infrastructure, and Brazilian wax but […]
By Barron E. Wong From October 8 to October 10 in 1871, one of the most abominable fires in American history roared through Chicago, Illinois. This blaze claimed over 300 lives and 3 square miles of the Windy City. The ramifications of this fire still echo today in the annals of American history–but many may […]
Hello to all Locks, It’s hard to believe we are already in the double digit months! Before long we begin the Hallow-Thanksgiv-ristma-ukkah-ewyears-actualnewyea parade into February. In these, the final moments before the holidays begin flying at our faces like so many tennis balls, let us reflect on a special moment I like to call: No […]
Like many of the days celebrated in the non-Lock community, Columbus Day is based on a complete lie. We know that Christopher Columbus is actually a combination of several different explorers named Chris de Las Casas, Toforo Santo, and Columbo Della Città Precedentemente Conosciuta Come Colonia Penale Inospitale Venti Due. To help you to pretend as though you’ve celebrated this strange holiday your […]
Hello to all Locks, It is nearly impossible to make it through a day interacting solely with members of The Order. And whether it be iodized salt, asking for secret days off from work, or not talking about Shadow Presidents, in some ways it has never been harder to be a member of a secret society […]
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