By Tumbler B. Chesney (40253) [LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Tumbler Chesney is the oldest living member of the Grand Lock and a lifelong vitamin enthusiast–though not necessarily a certified medical professional. We present this column as an invitation to a journey of wellness, not as medical advice.] Immortality is at hand. We, the citizens of this spaceship Earth, […]
A happy Mid-Holiday season to You We hope that whatever traditions you and your family celebrate at this time of year are going well. For our part, we wish you a lovely winter, and must remind you not to get swept up in all the hoopla of December 31st. As you are certainly aware, within […]
by Barron B. Hoffbeck (no. 12513) All across Hennepin County and no doubt, the rest of the world, songs ring out professing this the “most wonderful time of the year.” As I sit here in my office watching the falling snow reflecting in the motion-sensor floodlight of the side yard, lulled by the purr of […]
Happy December to All Locks, A quick apology to all Grand Lock parents out there: if you are using the Grand Lock edition of the Elf on a Shelf, there was an incident on the 17th that may have caused the listening device embedded in your elf to stop transmitting and begin broadcasting live audio […]
By Leadership (as interpreted by Locksmith M. Reyes, Spangles’ “Speaker of the Dog”) Good afternoon. As the new Leadership, let me begin with two key points: (1) it my pleasure to issue to you my first missive to you, the body of The Order of the Grand Lock, and (2) I am a good boy. Yes, […]
你好大锁, Take a deep breath in. Smell that? That is normalcy. Last week we Locks experience the tradition of Off-White Friday we get the greatest shopping deals of the year. (I bought a soundbar.) The Grand Lock Employee Holiday Party was this weekend and a fine time was had by all who chose not to drink to […]
The Non-Locks have Black Friday, but any skinflint of a Grand Lock knows that the real discounts happen two weeks later on Off-White Friday. Initially named for the discounted item that sparked the first “buying frenzy” in the 1800s (off-white wedding dresses for non-virgins who wanted to be honest but also save face), Off-White Friday […]
A Wonderful Afternoon to You All, I am fresh (and rested) from my days at the famed Cicero, Illinois Grand Lock Lodge and Luxury Spa. The Leadership… debacle has been cleared (You’re doing great, Spangles! Good job!), and a sense of normalcy is at last returning to the Order. And with normalcy, of course, comes […]
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